Saturday, March 24, 2007

So, Bend lady! Bend !

This is a very interesting experiance I had on the 14th Mar 07, 10:30 pm. This was a marriage alliance that my family had come across, I was asked to chat with this guy online, for the first time. Lets call him Mr.S.
Mr.S is a 30 yr Malayalee guy brought up mostly in 'amchi' Mumbai (Personally i have a high regard for Mumbaiwalle. On a childhood trip to Bombay I found most of them to be people with no hang-ups, mind-my-own business kinds, yet surprisingly sensitive people- they jump at a chance to help anyone. Or atleast thats strictly my opinion. This guy was close to changing that opinion). I was dog-tired that day, plus ,I had a tough day at work.
The whole chat lasted an hr to hr and a half.
Here is a part of the chat log. I have removed the initial introductory part and some casual information exchange about eachother. Here is the rest, hope you enjoy it:

Mr.S: as a wife Iam looking out for a loving softhearted..not so ambitious..not so modern but qualified girl
ME: ok
ME: go on
ME: ...
Mr.S: aur kuch bacha hai kya..yes understanding baki sab as usual..and she has be enthusiastic and she has to be very talktive a s well
ME: explain on ambitious
Mr.S: wat r u thinking that u let me know
ME: i am not sure... since you are explaining your picture of your spouse... you will be in a better position to explain
Mr.S: I wud...u tell me what u want
ME: well i am looking for someone whos more of a friend
Mr.S: hold on
ME: someone who has a similar value system to that of mine
Mr.S: for now...just let me ur opinion abt the ambitious part u had raised
ME: oh ok
ME: not so ambitious=you mind her working?
Mr.S: she shud work ...I want her to work
Mr.S: anything else u have in mind?
Mr.S: abt the ambitious part I mean
ME: ok... i will tell you what i think of ambition for me- i would want to work. but thats gonna be diff when i and my spouse decide to start a family of our own. so then i guess for sometime... work has to take a back seat.
ME: or i have to look into alternate careers from home
ME: but that again can happen only if you have a spouse who co-operates
ME: thats what it is for me... you could explain what you want now.
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I want a spouse who should work...but she not b very ambitious...mening she shud set the expectation right with her boss..that she wont be in the office beyongd th stipulated time
Mr.S: family shud her prioryt and then her career
ME: yeah. but when you have a delivery date ... i guess those days are gonna be hectic
Mr.S: yup
Mr.S: those are an exception..some days maaf hai ;)
Mr.S: some
ME: ok
ME: and what your view of 'modern'?
Mr.S: again why dont u tell me wat u think abt ti
ME: no i think its easier when you just put it straight yaar!
Mr.S: ladies first :)
ME: noooo please...
ME: my brains has been working real hard all day... dont make me play KBC
ME: there isnt any money for this question toooo!
Mr.S: what do u mean..mera brain kaa nahi kiay din baaar :)
Mr.S: so why dont u answer it first then lady ;)
ME: nope... you are the 'poochna' end
ME: its easier
Mr.S: poochna end matlab
ME: and more over... i am guessing- guessing takes effort
ME: you are asking me to run my brains... it doesnt require brain power to express what you believe in or want... it comes from the heart
ME: so yoru job is easier at this moment
Mr.S: Iam waiting waiting issues...keep guessing guessing ;)
ME: oh dude! spare me! i have had a tough day at office!
ME: please be easy on me.
Mr.S: u do sound pretty mod
ME: mod=modern?
Mr.S: yup
ME: why? :D
ME: :))
Mr.S: u addressing me as dude and all re isliye ;)
ME: dude... is a word many people use... dont think its a sign of modernity
Mr.S: aisa kuch..but normally I have seen..nahi chod
Mr.S: galthi
Mr.S: maff kar
ME: i am surprised... dont you use it?
ME: chal teek hai... maaf kia
Mr.S: Iam mod I can use na :))
ME: :) smart
Mr.S: :)
ME: so Mr. Mod ... tho bathaye ... aap ke hisab se 'modern' ka kya mathlab hai?
Mr.S: oh ok..coming bac to the mod topic..ur chance to elaborate on that
ME: man ... SRK shouls meet you
ME: i havent seen his show.. i hear he is real good . i am sure he will leave his seat if he meets you
ME: you sure are persistant!
Mr.S: so like u like pulling guys
ME: pulling guys? whats that?
Mr.S: hmm sometimes I just love to be persistent
Mr.S: pulling leg yar
Mr.S: tang keechna
ME: ooh pulling leg... when my tubelight flickers and when i get the chance
Mr.S: so does that tubelight of ur flicker all the time ;)
Mr.S: urs flickers
ME: at the end of the day its burnt out... but looks like its not as bad as i thought... it is able to pull a few legs atlease
Mr.S: good one ;)
ME: thank you ... *bowing* thank you
Mr.S: :)
Mr.S: vaise I dont like to bow most of the times ;)
ME: Mr.S, i need to wake up early and make break fast... so give me the ans.
Mr.S: mere dost subah muje bhi utana hai
Mr.S: so u know how to cook is it :)
ME: have some mercy on me
ME: well survival skill- i enjoy experimentations mostly
Mr.S: okie
Mr.S: ok mod maane....
Mr.S: wat do u think
ME: oh no!
ME: i thought you were gonna ans
ME: you got me fooled there
Mr.S: ek baar bow kiya
Mr.S: not again
ME: ok... i have run out of stamina
Mr.S: good girl
ME: i am yawning big enough for an elephant to walk into my mouth
ME: whats so good about running out of stamina?
Mr.S: becuase ur abt to bow..isliye..that's the best part of it
ME: ohhh sonny... you made a mistake there... i said i am running out of stamina... not that i gave up
ME: there is a clear distinction btwn the both :D
Mr.S: ok lady...if that' what u want
Mr.S: then u in for a big fight
Mr.S: but remeber..I wont like it if I lose
Mr.S: so make sure that I dont lose
Mr.S: ;)
ME: well ... i fight for my self and for the right :)
Mr.S: u fight...I dont mind
ME: like evey movie... ritiousness will win
ME: ok
Mr.S: but u shud lose is all what Iam saying...ami jyada nahi magatha
Mr.S: I have a very big inflated ego of mine...
ME: sorry. i see i am on the right. :) so its not a question of losing... its a question of being resonable
Mr.S: so give the answer of the question then ;))
Mr.S: tuh matlab haar nahi maanegi na
ME: nope... like i said... i am being reasonable asking you to elaborate on your own point
Mr.S: when I say I want u to aswer..then I wud like it to be that way
ME: describe your nature... for a change.
Mr.S: changing the topic wont help
ME: nope
ME: i am trying to understand you better
ME: we will come back to the topic
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: its like iam in a HR meeting ;)
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I have a bit of dominating nature
ME: and...
Mr.S: and aur kya jaana hai
ME: talk about your self
Mr.S: aks me point to popint
ME: what you think about your self?
ME: what are the qualities you admire in a person?
Mr.S: It depends on the gender as well
Mr.S: In a girl..I wud like hr to be mild,soft,understanding
Mr.S: Ian amale...brains...way they lead..etc
Mr.S: do I sound like a mcp
ME: how do u pick friends... what do you look for when you chose or appreciate people?
Mr.S: that have to be as qualified or working in some place..basically they shud be my equal firstly...baki sab usual..we shud get along well basically
ME: so thats irrespective of gender rt?
Mr.S: gender no..for a girl she has to be lovely beautiful ;)
Mr.S: yes right
ME: do you get angry?
Mr.S: sometimes yes...
ME: what a question... every one does
ME: that was a wrong question... how do you deal with it ?
Mr.S: depends on the situation
Mr.S: if Iam right...I might try to reason out..and if nothing helps..I might just sulk all alone
Mr.S: but I come out of it quickly
Mr.S: I cannot be angry for along time..I try to mend it mostly irespetive whther iam right or wrong
Mr.S: lady..u asleep
ME: nope
ME: i am terribly sleepy
ME: but we will continue
Mr.S: ok
ME: so just as i promised.. lets get back to the 'mod issue'
Mr.S: and just as I wanted u start
ME: its a one last try before i hit the bed
ME: sorry sir. i obliged the first time with the 'ambition' bit. But now its ur turn to oblige
ME: i honoured you, you honour me
ME: simple
Mr.S: I give u the oppurtunity again madam
ME: 'Can i use a life line? can i use phone a friend?'
Mr.S: as I toild u ek din bow kiya bahut hua..not again
Mr.S: u use whatever u want...but my answer wud remain the same
ME: ok then. i think i will hit the bed and hope to wake up early. you go ahead a get e good sleep
Mr.S: all right
Mr.S: that's a bad sign
Mr.S: both of us not bowing
ME: you made that sign yourself.
Mr.S: well I just to check if u wud bow
ME: at least its standing tall for different reasons
ME: not when i have been nice to comply once
Mr.S: yes but..I wud prefer my lady to be even if u bend that does not mean u lost...but u kept my honour ;)
ME: thats when necessary. ;)
Mr.S: lady u still the chance to kep my honour
ME: mild doesnt mean give in for every lil thing. :) it means to understnd a crucial situation and soften when necessary :)
Mr.S: this is called emotional blackmailing
Mr.S: pehel impression sahi hona bend lady
ME: dost, your honuor isnt mine as yet... its a long way to that... it takes a lot of understanding and a lot of mutual respect. its a two way road
Mr.S: well ur right
Mr.S: I never meant when i said u shud honour me
ME: what is that ... there is that saying in mall... oru palam aayal... angotum, ingotum vennam (if there is a bridge, there has to be movement in both directions)
Mr.S: yes fisr ingotuum ( first this way)
Mr.S: then aagonattum ( then that way)
Mr.S: manalsaliya lady ( understood lady?)
ME: thats ok. i assume you said it for fun
Mr.S: nope
Mr.S: Iam serrious ;)
ME: angotu nyan cross chedu ( i had crossed over)- remember 'ambition'. not its your turn
ME: well Mr.S. i really have to go. you can chose to explain if you will , anytime
ME: well till then you may chose to mail me or let me know when you would like to chat again
ME: till then
ME: bon soir!
Mr.S: bye bye lady ME

Soon our chat came to an end. It gave me a head ache. I lie down in bed tossing and turning in anger and shock. I hoped i could have been honest with my feelings and given him a piece of my mind then and there. Though some of you out there wouldnt understand my lack of reaction, there are a few who know exactly why i didnt give him a power-dose. I wondered why would someone be like this on their first chat with someone?! Did he really believe that someone would find him impressive if he was to flash his views like this? A woman would like a man who says that he is the dominating kinds, he doesnt like to lose, so you'll have to bend for him?!!! One of my close friends felt deeply for my situation and expressed that i should have given him a reading so that he wouldnt do this to another woman.
I didnt think of another woman but me at that moment. I wanted to give him a treatment for the sake of myself and no one else. But when i think of another woman, i think he shouldnt be stopped. Why should i stop him? The only comfort in this story was that he was honest- he was being him self and wasnt faking. I would want him to remain this way if he truely believed in what he said. It would only help another woman make a decision if he remained true to him self. To me it seemed like something was wrong over here. And if it is something wrong , then i would rather want it lying out in the sun, than finding it hidden in a closet.


dKm said...

He beat around the bush and probably thought he was being charming.. he told you he was dominating and doesn't like to lose and that you should bend (relent)... keep his honor.

That is not friend material. Anyone who is more interested in taking (expecting the other to give) rather than giving to the relationship and asks you to bend (relent) and allow him to win is a total crapshot in my eyes... JMO

small squirrel said...

Um yeah.... good he was honest, so now you know!

But I have just one word for you... WANKER! :))

(I would have blasted him one. You, my friend, are too kind)

Anonymous said...


Are you being honest now-a-days? Don't you do crappy things just for the sake of it?

Those who know you well will say you are a whiner by nature and pseudo-control freak by actions.

You can change your-self easily than changing others.

Why don't you write about all your other alliance encounters too? Their precious time you have wasted
and all that?

Write something that gives some meaning to readers.

- A true believer in truth/God.

Neets said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Neets said...

Jes, Doc, nice to see that the ones who felt this chat to be nasty is in the majority. Thanks for the support.

Thanks a ton for your comment. You make a good defence lawyer- fantastic justification!
Actually you got me feelign sooo good the moment you mentioned 'Write something that gives some meaning to readers.' Though negative, it got me feelin like the author of a well-read column or something... where you have readers who expect somethign from you. indirectly indicating that i write well or i write things that make people react- which in my opinion is something to be proud about. So thanks. But mind you, i dont write for any one but my self... so i dont think i can keep the reader's interest in mind while i write, but i can try. :)
I am not sure if we are already friends (most prob not), but if you aren't i think you should consider being my friend, since you dont seem to be bad at whining, your self - thats a skill we both have in common.
Glad to know you are interested in reading more on my other alliance encounters... well to tell you the truth, i and a friend of mine did plan on writing a book on our encounters. The truth is, from my discussions with other women, i am not the only one with interesting experiances. I think it will make good reading and, since you have expressed interest, i am begining to believe that there might be a considerable number of men(assuming you are one) who will enjoy reading the book.
I appreciate your honesty (with a cap 'H'), and will keep your suggestions in mind while i write. Please do come back to whine here. I am all ears :)

Deepthi said...

Hey Neets!
That was a highly volatile chat,it shattered all my understanding that the men these days are progressive...

You were too straightforward with him.
My analysis of this chat was that he is not sure of himself and what he wants and has very little understanding of women.
He is perhaps thinking, himself to be a price catch and requires more of a slave than a friend for a wife.

My advice to you girl is that stop looking at being friends with the potentials, get straight to the point and discuss the facts...

Most men these days have a casket that they have carefully sculptured with little understand of women and more understanding of themselves,and try to fit the girl they see into that casket,if it does'nt fit they will keep trying and trying....
more or less like Cinderalla's glass slipper..

dont worry girl , someone will come ur way trying to be a true friend.... and companion for a life time....

God would never give you a desire,he did not want to fulfill..

Vämp!rë said...

Male ego pretty lady male ego...neway if u think women who bow to their hubby are moron, then it's n women are uncomparable...comparison is valid if 2 stuffs have similar nature or properties...but men n women are completely different...women think from their heart men use their brain...tht's y they always differ on nething :P

Rags said...

man! u took a lot shit from this (super kool) dude...
<kidding im_being_mean="true">maybe you shoh meet. u might like him in person.</kidding>

Siri said...

I read through the chat and was extremely surprised that you kept at it. I would hav cut off half way through. I hate guys who talk of nothing but honour! Its like they are hollow vessels but their wives should make up for the "no noise"!!
I have just tagged you Neets, check my blog for details. Hope its fun enough for you to cool down!

Waves said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Waves said...

I read half of the chat..... then I got kind of bored..... But till the point I also seem to be interested in talking to the guy....

Avoiding to be judgemental.... I would say only one thing.... Somethings are really meant to be personal... They don't give values to the outside system. If this guy sees this post here... I am sure he wouldnt feel too good about it.... He would feel like you have ridiculed his sentiments in public... There is nothing good or bad about what he said....

He is being truthful about his choices....Whats so wrong about that...

Just for e.g:- I do smoke... But I would prefer a non smoking Wife..... Of course I would give up smoking if I do find that it bothers her too much.... also if at some point of time my wife takes up smoking I am not going to duvorce her...It wouldnt affect my relation with her...Its just a choice or preference.... I would prefer her not to be smoking.....

Did What I said made any sense....? If not please let me know...May be I can elaborate to let u understand...

Just take it as an experience & forget it :))

8:43 PM

Anonymous said...

I would like to support the other Anonymous person. You wasted a hell lot of time of other people who were looking for proposals. I am being one of the victim back in 200X. You are the one who is looking for super perfect match which never happens - TY.

Neets said...

Comin back to this post now makes me see things in a different light.

I agree with @Waves that this was his views and i need not agree. And now i think this might have been his views at that time and could have changed by now. At the same time, i have protected his identity - it mattered to me that I should. Its natural he will feel bad if he did come here, but basically I was came here to write this cos i was feeling bad. Since I protected his identity I didnt think it mattered to me if he did feel bad. He can write whatever he wanted provided as long as he remembered to protect his own identity. And you are right... its and exp and forget it... And its in the last one year that I have learnt to let go... lil wiser now.

I agree with all the women who felt i put up with it too long. And in the last one year i think i have figured out that i used to do this more often than necessary and kind of know why i used to do it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Neets,
Do you have any new experiences like this to share with us?

Anonymous said...

Hi Neets,
Since is is been a while since you have shared us an alliance experience and I guess since you are still searching you may have lot of stories to share in this area. Please come back and share us some more of these interesting stories. Also please share your thoughts on the match you are looking and why it is so difficult to get. And also I guess your family values are liberal and so you can also look for love-arranged marriage. Anyway looking to hear again from you on your experiences.