Friday, February 24, 2006

Beyond getting tagged

I have been tagged by two people - RoadBlogger asks me to list out what I would like to see in my love interest and EnemyOfRepublic wants me to list out the things I hate. Ironically, both are what would be asked of you when you meet a prospective groom, in the Indian scenario.
I would like to write this post smiling but I am not in the position to. I am experiencing the pressure that a normal Indian girl would. Parents are getting worried. They are hoping that they will find a guy who would match their parameters and that I would like him. When they started their search I wasn't one bit keen on getting married- that has changed a very tiny bit now. From 'I don't want to marry', now, I want to marry only once I am totally convinced that this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with and when I know that he likes me the way I am. But in time I have learnt that there never might be a moment where I will enjoy that level of conviction. My problem is perhaps that I am not able to come into terms with the previous statement. And while that bothers me, it doesn't make things any better to know that your poor folks are anxious. Your heart and mind becomes one big mess. In fact its so disturbing that it could screw up your peace of mind for days to come. And as you try hard to forget about it and move on, there will be a moment where your folk's anxiety surfaces on their face or its time for that lecture on, 'you need to settle down'. I haven't cared to know what were the problems my folks were facing while hunting for 'the guy'. And why should I? I am not the one who's dying to marry? And even while I ask these questions in annoyance, I feel sorry for my parents. I understand they have a responsibility as parents and that they are doing their part. Recently in a heart-to-heart talk with my mom, I was oriented towards the problems they faced. I feel worse now. But these are problems that all the groom-searching families are going thru. My parents are firm God believer, but doesn't the stress they put them selves thru, prove that fact wrong? Why worry when you have faith in God? It will happen when and if it needs to. I feel sorry that they got a girl who just can't swallow the marriage pill that easily. I don't know if something's wrong with me… cos I have seen a lot of girls who have been able to take it easy. Sometimes I wish I could push my self to blindly accept a guy they point at. But I really, truly can't! Then that would be a favour I would do for my parents. I could do that favour today but I would have to live with that favour for a lifetime. I know that that's not what my folks want either.
Till 3-4 yrs ago, I didn't really think much about love - the kind that you would feel for someone who is not a part of your family, yet is neither a stranger nor a friend. Frankly, I did not have any regard or appreciation for this emotion. I had looked down upon it, till I passed out of college. Funny, thinking of it now, cos campus is the best place to hear and know of love stories. But somehow I couldn't appreciate what I saw on campus- people faking it, people who were in love cos it was a fad, people who thought of it as a time filler, etc. All thru my campus years, I have relaxed, sat back and laughed at each one of these lovey-dovey couples. After I passed out, I was surrounded with friends both at office and outside who were in love (arranged & love). That's when I was initiated to the inside story of the love scam. I learnt that love is a powerful currency. When two people exchange it, both become rich- rich in confidence, strength, faith, courage, peace and experience. It has the power to transform people to an extent they would have never thought possible before- for good or bad. Today, it gives me joy to see people who enjoy each others company, who are there for each other, who fight like cats and dogs but get over it to be sweet as chocolate-vanilla ice cream, who learn and mature together, who like each other for all the good and bad in them, who are aware that love need to be constantly worked on and that they would have to do it together. That's what I would want to feel when I decide to enter wedlock. Now I am wondering whether that's too much to ask for?
I really hope there are other girls who are going thru the same problem. I want to know how they are faring. I don’t know if its been stupid of me to write this. I don't even know if this post was worth publishing but anyway I am just gonna do it. Or do I need to visit a shrink? Its been a long blabber already. Think I will write the tag-list tomorrow.


Miles to go said...

Sentiment and hope are the opiate for the masses.

Stick to your reality guns neets because that feeling of being whole and losing yourself can make you overlook a lot of things in a man. In fact sex prevents you from getting to know one another and when passion fades can you be friends in a loving relationship or will you be left with a princely wart? The true to life loves executioner.

Prmod Bafna said...

Hmmm! it sure is quite a sticky situation.. i think there definitely are many out there who find themselves in this disillusioning vortex.. stuck between love and family decisions.. i guess it really should be nice for you to atleast check out the guys your parents push your way.. u just might find someone interesting that way too.. i believe love doesn't "necessarily" have to be there before marriage.. basic compatibility and likeness does! eventually, you will fall in love.. and discovering new things yesterday will only add to the fun ;) and no you don't need to visit a shrink! :)

Rusty said...

well said and done neets ! often there are times when you're perplexed and a decision is hard to make. your point on love is correct, almost everyone undergoes this thought transformation, may be i also did. best is to give yourself some time, get over this pressure, but make sure you always the have the final word in the decision..
however, these pressures are not only limited to girls, guys also have to face this :)

Vasu the terrible said...

>>Or do I need to visit a shrink?

Let me know if you find one.. man I need to see one right now desperately..

Jokes aside, I dont think this is really that different for a guy who is in similar situation. Even guys have to pander to the stiff quality levels and sky high expectations from the marriage fixers (my paretns and the prospective girl's parents)

Its a tough life alright, its asif these guys want to know everything that ever happened in my life and stand in judgement.. (Oh he is not a good guy afterall)..

Good post.. and dont forget that shrink...


Neets said...

glad (and surprised) to know that this isnt just the situation that girls go thru. so now this can be classified as a human condition more that a girl's problem. So i've got company from botht he boys and girls camp! :) Thank you all, cos now i feel a lil better, relieved. :) I can save a visit to the shrink

@Miles to go-> u r rt. thats what i want too... both ppl should be able to see a trusted friend in each other. thats what will keep the relationship going when 'youth' goes out of the window
@xFreaKx-> Thanks man. hopefully things will go fine. and i will find someone whos company i will enjoy. :)
@Ashish-> yeah i have made up my mind that no matter what i will take a decision that comes from a clear head. and that i will not allow pressure buckle me. i am trying. its my mind against me. :)
Nice to know the grass isnt any greener on the other side.
@Vasu-> so its isnt any different with guys! so its a part of the marriage game... we have to doubt our sanity, go thru some emotional turmoil and then plunge into MARRIAGE and live a wacko life with anothe lunatic :))! You already have the best shrink you can get, man... Ramesh

Roy said...

Nita ..

Hi, thanks to land on my blog and sharing a nice & thoughful opinion with me...thanks again!!!?!
Actually I'm trying to do so, but as u know here in India u can copyright ur tune but u can do it for ur lyrics. So I hv the copyrights of my lyrics but not for the tune & I fear If?!?!?!

But wait there are lots of way to share song..let's see!!
Hope to hear you again..

kuttichuvaru said...

very nicely written piece of blog.... well, as already mentioned, guys undergo this too.... they too r gonna live a life with 'someone not frm the family, yet not far apart'.... but, personally,I feel girls think a lot more about it than guys do.... in my opinion, girls r more speculative in this issue....

Vasu the terrible said...

you know.. thats the problem... the grass is always green on the other side. I did get into that rigmarole once before, just couldnt take it.. they treat you like you are some show piece and I hate it when the whole kandhan is sitting staring at you.. I was running a mental picture of me getting up and stripping to some slow music... Just wanted to ask.. girl's athai ? what are you staring at..

Alas Ramesh is no longer in India.. He is wasting his life cleaning mainframe bugs.. I offered him a permanant job of pulling me out of trouble.. he told me that he has done that enough..


Granny said...

Hi Neets. Thanks so much for your comment on granny just now.

As for this post, all I can do is wish you the best and give you "virtual" support in your decision, whatever that may turn out to be.

Ann (aka granny)

stellar said...

hey neets ur not alone 2 going through the same tug of war same emotions,same anxiety..but can't help it don't think too much..thanks for your sweet comments on my cr

Me too said...

Pouring out emotions and sharing thoughts with others itself will give you new energy! Every person undergoes this until they find 'the one'. IMO, choice sometimes can be tedious and nervous experience. But let's enjoy this too as a thrilling part of our life!! Good luck!

Siri said...

u took me back in time. i was facing the same situation 2 yrs ago. But it ended a little differently with me deciding to choose my pardner. But yes i understand the turmoil. Its definitely heart wrenching to see one's parents suffer so much when all you keep thinking is "que sera sera"! One's mind and heart are in constant conflict as to what is right. Am i right in sticking to my guns or should i just choose someone for the sake of one's folks. Believe me its very tough to admit to loving someone. "I love you" doesnt come easy unlike movies. It takes a lot of "sharing and caring and giving and recieving" as Joey says when he gets Monica and Chandler married in the sitcom Friends :) My advice is to not do anyone a favour while making your choice except for yourself and your to-be. Happy hunting!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Marriage is a tough, tough gig. Love is important but not always central. I am not from your culture, but I got a world of pressure to get married. And for what? To be happy? For some, happiness is no husband. For others, it is the traditional route. People need to be true to themselves, once they figure out what that is. One out of every two marriages ends in divorce in my country, so that does not speak well for marriage.

Anu said...

Blog well written!! I am sure you must be relieved to know that many others are in the same fix that you are in. The lovely comments that others have posted on your blog must have answered many of the questions you were trying to find an answer for all these years. Don't think of marriage as a compromise with your parents(unless they force you to marry a guy you completely disliked).
Why not look at it positively so that it will help you make the right decisions at the right time?

Rusty said...

Thanks you Nita ! Btw, why 'O' from "Am Back"...


Neets said...

@roy-> most welcome
@kuttichuvaru-> i think thats true- perhaps women freak out more on the issue than men
@vasu->yeah. information is sharing is so crutial in a marriage... but the stares, GAWD! you just wonder whether your being selected for modellin. so we all have to go thru this rigamarole. AAAAA! so luks like you have to watch your back till ramesh thinks otherwise
@granny->your welcome
@stellar-> oh! nice to hear the first woman who shares my feeling :) we bond *sniff sniff*, girl, *sniff* we bond
@Me too->i feel a lot better. this is the first time i have taken to write somethin so personal. i almost removed the post after i wrote it. then forced my self to fight the feeling. thanks dear.
@Siri-> thanks for your moral support dear. it felt so good to hear these words commin from someone whos been thru it all and has survived it. i feel a lot stronger now.
@EoR-> so luks like the pressure to get married is pretty much the same around the world. i think the key is to follow your heart- thats one you have learnt to understand what it says:) so i am trying to understand... without a translator
@anu->thanks sweety. i will try. with wise friends like you to be by my side- i will find my true calling.
@ashish- simple man, 'o' i have been 'back' for a long time now :)))!

Rags said...

>>When two people exchange it, both become rich- rich in confidence, strength, faith, courage, peace and experience. It has the power to transform people to an extent >>they would have never thought possible before- for good or bad

oooo ho ho ho ho how true. I almost was tempted not to read this blog - coz it was sooo looooong.