Saturday, December 31, 2005

Touch and go...

7:48pm 30th Dec
its half an hr past the news of the trek being cancelled. Poor Raksha's having high fever. I know,she herself must have been looking forward to it so much that she put up with all the discomfort for so long! And to top it , both Malu and Raksha plan on hosting a party at their place tomorrow. Thats so sweet of them to arrange a celebration for us, but I think some rest is what she needs now. Hosting a party is a lot of effort. May be i'll try going a lil early to help them out- if i am going.
8:10pm 30th dec
Sometimes when I am all low I talk crap about destiny. And I am gonna do it now. I am writting just to feel a lil better . its boring and I suggest you dont read further. I warn you this is gonna be the typical long boring me.
I have always loved walking and climbing in places blessed with the bounty of nature. No. I am not athletic - as a matter of fact- I am pathetically slow,get tired soon and suffer from wheezing. The first time I got to hear of the four lettered word... 'trek' is in my pre-university years when the college union decided to start the Trekking Club and I instantly fell in love with the idea of walking thru the wilderness. I and my hand jumped up to figuratively proclaim, 'count me in'. I actively took part in planning out the first trek . All set,now we needed to get the consent form signed. Thats where I faced unforseen problem- OK...I agree , I was stupid I didnt see it comin - my parents like many other Indian parents were terrified. I asked...they said no...I didnt try to convince...they didnt sign ... I didnt go. I was terribly disappointed. I wept an incy bit in the tear-chamber (for all of you out there,thats the bathroom). Listened to all the stories the others had to say when they came back. I diligently attended all the meeting but didnt take part in arranging a trek ever again. Then the next trek came around, again I went with the consent letter . This time I guess my folks felt sorry for me and made a consession- I can go only if one of my friends went. All my pals who went for the first trip decided not to for the second. Then one of our family friends was trying to find someone to go with her daughter, who incidentally was studying with me ... but the story at their end was a lil different. Prathibha's parents were more than willing to send her, but the clever babe pulled a trick so that she wouldnt have to be sent for the trek. She said,'OK!OK! I'll go only if i have a friend to go with me!', very well knowing that no one from her gang was interested. With her Mom and Dad being hell bent on tryin to foil her plans, my hopes of finally getting to go,were soaring high. To my joy and to her diappointment both our parents signed the consent letters. The night before the morning we had to leave, I dont need to tell you,I was experiencing euphoric highs. But then our lady,Prathibha did something that I couldnt- she put her foot down that night and told her parents that she didnt want to go. She won , I lost. I was angry not at Prathibha or my parents but at my self- for pumping up my hopes so high. I failed my self... I failed to understand that this was something that I perhaps would never be able to do. Though my folks were relieved, i guess it was evident to them that i was just sad that i couldnt go. But they wouldnt know that i gave the tap in the tear-Chamber a stiff competition. :)) Then i quit attending the meetings. I know there was a third time I met the same fate, but I remember nothing of it.So, I presume I took it well.
Now comes around a forth time. And yes I havent changed much from the forever-dreamin fool I was , and took my self for a ride this time around too. I thought that I would finally get to go for my first ever trek on 31st dec 2005... its 11:08 pm now a few hrs away from 6:30am - the time I would leave for my first trek. Well this time getting my parents to say yes was easier cos my Mom, inspite of her fears, knew that this was something I dreamt of doing and I took the effort of saying 'I want to go'(thanks to my Mom's urge)- Something I didnt do all the other times. And then my Dad conceded. But all the way,every moment, something or the other happened that would make me think that I wouldnt make it to this trek. Now that it isnt taking off, I am wondering whether I am not meant to go? Should I even try the next time? Cos to tell you the truth... breaking free from a norm that you have been obediently living by for so long , no matter how much you hated it, does bring different kinds of fear alive. All this time when I was determined to go, I have to admit, there were moments where my parents' fears rubbed off on me... would I get lost, would I be safe, would I fall sick,... so many questions about my self. That brings into the lime light another scary finding- I am not too sure of my bloody self! Wow! Am I proud!
Its amazing when you look at how some tiny things can shake a person. Ironic,it seems ridiculous to the saner part of the person. I took it ok this time, but there were times when the salt water stung my eyes but i sucked them back in.
I am 25yrs old and i still behave like a kid!!!! Now after writing all this, looks like the suction system in my eyes have failed. look at me multi tasking efficiently- weeping and typing.
The adult in me puts,her arm around me and says with an understanding smile, 'Hey, stupid! Dont read this incident as a sign of anything!Its just a case of touch and go! relax. If not now, then some time later, sweety. look at the brighter side! You discovered that you are a retard as ever- you still take some of the most insignificant things serious! meaning you are a 10 yr old at heart. Now thats good news for your heart! So cheer up!'. I listen , wipe my tears,smile and look up to her.
Well, if you've come so far, Happy New Year's Eve!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Rock the LOC!!!

For decades India closed her eyes,shut her windows and invited silence in to her mind and room, sunk into her favourite chair in the room and then drowned in Pakistani ghazals and traditional sufi music along side her own Indian artist's. The root of which both cousins shared. India and Pakistan culturally have a lot in common - food, dress, language, music, dance... aalu paratha,hindustani music,kathak,etc. Ghazals (both Indian and Pakistani) catered to the musical appetite of the calmer and wiser section of the audience that ranges from Indians who witnessed the partition to ones who have studied about the partition only to get thru their history papers. But what about the not-so-wise, noisy and rock-loving souls like me?!! :( Indian movie music- yes is as varied as the masalas served here in India and everyone is sure to find some song or the other to suit their taste. But in a country where every 'A' grade college has a Rock festival of its own that draws crowds from different parts of the town and country... why do we have to make merry with the once-in-a-bluemoon serving of a movie song that would have rock influence - like Yunhi chala chal raahi(Swades),songs from dil chahta hai just to mention a few from the few available. India's pivate music scene has been gifted with loads of pop singers/bands, most of whom have had careers that are nothing more than a flash in the pan. Perhaps the first band in India that came forward with some rock influenced music was Euphoria- who brought rock with a touch of Indian folk that was fresh and a commercial success.But after a couple of albums they too,like may others seemed to be repeating them selves.And around that time, or is it a lil before that,India was introduced to the talented band Junoon(song:Sayyonee) from Pakistan who too experimented with some hard rock and Sufi music... which was instantly accepted by people on both sides of the border. After Euphoria theres been just some two other bands, whose names i have forgotten .Beyond this India hadnt seen more of, what i would like to call, H'ndi-Experimental-Rock until perhaps the last few years... when bands like Strings,Fuzon,Jal, etc walked into the scene to whet our appetite. I have to admit, i am on a glutton's diet of unlimited servings of Pakistan's H'ndi-Rock. Their artists seem to be bolder than ours as far as experimentations are concerned. Soul stirring combination of elements unique to the Pakistani and Indian culture and rock... listen to Ankon Ke saagar(fuzon),Kamaj(fuzon),Huwe Anjane(Strings), woh Lamhe(Jal), then the latest Ashique Banaya(i dont know the name of the Paki singer,if you do know,do let me know). Comon people! all of you out there with talent! Wake up! Our neighbours need some healthy competetion. I have complete faith over our Indian talent and would love to see more than just-flash-in-the-pan successful musicians who can contribute original and innovative sound wave to a medium that waiting to be shaken. Its time that Indian Rocksters rise up to the challenge and add their share to the potluck.Get rocking guys! And while you both (Indian and Pakistani artists) compete with each other, music lovers like myself will laze on the couch called LOC and experiance complete Loss Of Control and hog big-time from both sides.... What?! you liked it too?! ... Help your self!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

From a Pole to the SOUL

this isnt mine. this is a comment that was left on Nandita Das' blog on with marek, the author's permission, i would like to share the words of a guy who has a blog with more pics than words. i liked this comment cos it seemed to have a lot to do with my life at this point in time. I hope that it makes a lot of sense to some of you out there.

Dear nandita,

girl, you keep on dreaming!!
everything at this moment was someone´s dream once...

and as for the critics,
A favorite quote from my father,
(in Polish it sounds so much cooler, but nevertheless)

the dogs will keep on barking,
but the karavan keeps on going!

And as from Anthony Robbins, date with destiny or time of your life program,
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
George Bernard Shaw

Expand Your Imagination About What's Possible by Mark Victor Hansen

When we were children we believed anything was possible. We created worlds where we were the main characters and everything revolved around our wants. Our friends came over and became part of these worlds and we had the time of our lives – laughing, playing – being who we wanted to be. It was magical!

As time passed and we grew older, people saw what we were doing and they weren't sure they liked it anymore. They saw us being young, excited and joyful – what they used to be, but no longer were. And, by golly they didn't allow us to be these things either. They said things like, "Grow up!" "Act your age." "Stop dreaming!" "Be realistic."

Whether it was teachers, parents, and counselors – there's a good chance that at least one person in our pasts didn't know any better at the time. We didn't know that daydreaming and knowing exactly what we want would be vital to our future happiness and success. We didn't know that these people were not mad at us – they were perhaps, instead, disappointed with themselves for allowing their dreams to die.

What they don't know, and maybe even you don't realize, is that dreams can never be destroyed. They can be battered and bruised, but they can never die. They just sink into a deep sleep in the back of your mind. They lie there, like Sleeping Beauty, waiting for the day when they will be realized.

Well, I'm here to help you wake them up!

It's time to remember the magic of our youth. It's time to remember the days when there were no impossibilities. It's time to awaken your dreams and start living the life you've always wanted to live.

Each and every one of us was born rich. We each have, at our beck and call, 18 billion brain cells, waiting for us to give them some direction. The only limitations that exist are those we impose on ourselves. Otherwise, our brains do not know any limitations. Our minds will believe whatever we convince them to believe. So, why aren't we living out our dreams? What's stopping us?

Most people are not living the lives they truly want to live because they are not thinking big enough, nor are they focused on exactly what they want to do.

The key to having everything we want lies in expanding our definition of what's possible and focusing on what we want. That's it! Once we believe in the possibility of anything and focus in on exactly what we want to have, exactly what we want to do, then our minds can take us there.

'Predetermine the objectives you want to accomplish. Think big, act big and set out to accomplish big results.'

Mark Victor Hansen

Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul Series

With Love, passion, and good spiritual vibes,
Marek Dariusz Podsiadlo

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Lost mind. Smile found.

It surprises me to know what makes me feel happy. Sometimes it feels like the person u know the least about - is yourself.
There was this lush green football ground near my childhood home in Ruwais. next to which there was this lil grassy hill- may be 7-8 ft high. 7-8 ft dont seem much now but it sure did back then.The joy and exhileration I would get in my growing years climbing that hill and then running down .Seeing it in my head- I can feel it in my heart right now. Loved height(still do). Love looking down from my perch. I always had a love of climbing steep surfaces. I, my brother and our friends would get a big cardbord box, rip it open, sit on it and ride it down the grassy steep slopes(11-13 ft high) of the football ground like a sleigh. thinkin about it,I still can feel the rush and the bubbling joy that turns into a joyful scream.
Theres about 3-4 trees I have climbed in my life till now -all of them have been fantastic experiences(esp my first, the tallest of all my tree-climbs - a tall eucaliptus tree at a clinic- f.y.i, wasnt running away from getting a prick, if that was what u were thinkin,genius!) I think I have climbed more walls than trees :)) But that too could be counted on the fingers. Overall- when I think of life, and of things that give me joy- I have done least of the things I enjoyed. But the same lil joy that used to make my heart flutter , still pays me a visit once in a while but in different moments-
When its all sunny the roads are shining in the sun light and suddenly it rains from a lonely cloud-just like standing under a shower. :)) any I stand there for a few seconds (long enough to not catch a cold and enough to indulge in it) doing nothin , sometimes opening my arms and liftin my head to the sky, soaking the sun and rain at the same time.
When the rain unlocks the sweet smell the earth has been clutching onto for so long, and the greens look greener than ever
When an old friend remembers me and I remember them.
When someone surprises me .
When I scheme to surprise someone else :))
When someone shares their greatest joys and excitement cos had they kept it to them selves- their heart would have burst and made a mess- they had to tell Nita. :)
When I see people do what they love and love what they do.
When I see people help eachother.
When I see groups of individuals bond to find a oneness- a collective strength stronger their own,
When we forget we have grown up,
When we forget atleast for a few moments that we ever learnt the word 'inhibition', 'limitation', 'conditioning','society','comply','win','lose'
When I see lil kids do their stuff, their style

I still want to climb trees and mountains .
I still want to dirty my shoes(esp that now i can afford not getting scolded for it).
I still want to run out and roll on the grass.
I still... am on the search for the child within.
I am done with my assignment for the day. Its 5 now -any one commin out to play ? :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

do it myself

wanted to make my own blog skin/template. and guess whats theres a lot of help out there you could use. here are a few interesting links people.,
photoshop support
check them out and let me know if it gets your creative juices active!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Memento of a moment.

Watched Gajini(tamil movie)? Neither did I. Hear its real good. Last weekend I suggested to my brother that we go and watch it. I told him I read somewhere in the papers that it was the remake of the hollywood flick 'Mementos' made in 2000. And guess what!- he tells me that the movie has been lying around in my computer for months now. So i set out to see for myself what in the original movie had made the critics in the paper go gaga . Directed by Christopher Nolan, the movie is inspired from a short story witten by his brother Jonathan Nolan. 'Directed by Christopher Nolan'- found reason number 1!
You'd find it easier to place him when I tell you that he is the director of the Al Pacino and Robin Williams starrer 'Insomnia' and the more recent, Chritopher Bale starrer 'Batman Begins'. I had watched and loved Insomnia. I knew my expectations,they were soaring. Having seen Memento ,now,I should tell you,I wasnt disappointed. and so wouldnt you. A gripping story that sucks you in and in no time , you have become Leonard Shelby, the protagonist. Its the story of a man who has a medical condition called CRS(Cant Remeber S---) Disease - he cant make new memories. For the sake of understanding, its like suffering from a non-existing short term memory. His wife has been raped and killed. In the effort to save her he gets hurt, a result of which he ends up having CRS- cant make memories of moments ever since then. He wants to take revenge .But to take revenge the first thing you need to know is 'I want revenge'. Leonard needs to constantly remind himself that he 'wants' to take revenge. The story tells how this man keeps a memento of every single moment cos he knows that in the next commin moment he'll never remember or know that he had been there.
Its perhaps the first time that I have watched a minimum-blood-and-gore movie and felt like I couldnt watch it to the finish. Why? Leonard Shelby feels no fear cos he cant remember to feel it while I can see,remember,relate whats happening to him and feel that fear- the fear that fails to exist in him owing to his ability to forget .It succeeds in making you understand and treasure our natural ability to make memories. Any movie aficionado will agree with me , that if the story grows on you, then a major amount of the credit goes to the mode of story tellin Nolan has used. The great script,innovative style of direction,brilliant acting makes a beauty of this movie!!! The story is split into 2 time frames -one in Black and White ,moving forward to a unknown point in time and the other in colour thats moving backwards in slices of 5-10 mins to the same unknown point. Wont say any more. cant say anymore. Here is the link to the short story by Jonathan Nolan
'Memento Mori' that inspired the movie.
Sit back and watch a great movie!
Every single moment that we can look back and remember , the memory of it ,is a momento of that moment past. REMEMBER.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Where are we heading?

Was watching a documentary (called'Countdown')on the discovery channel, based on the Columbine School Shootout (1999). Watching this documentary has change the way I will see another news on a shoot out - forever. No. It really hasnt changed- its only given my fellings more depth and definition. Before, my reaction to such news was dominated by shock and disgust. Now I guess it would have sympathy and fear added in the list. I, from being a third party viewer, who holds no stake in that event ,started put my selves in the shoes of the victim,thanks to this documentary.
13, 15-17 year olds shot dead , 23 injured and serveral more lives changed forever by this heinious incident .All of this done by two boys- an 18 yr old and a 17 yr old (they shot them selves after commiting the crime) .They had been planning the attack for a long time. Stocking up a lot of rage in themselves. They were armed to the teeth! How could arms be so damn accessible ? And that too, to high school kids? As accessible as candy? These boys had hidden their creations & collections in their very own homes, where they lived with their parents ! How could it go unnoticed?!!! These boys have had serious problems with depression. They had been on Anger Management Programs- which obviously hadnt helped. They were highly suicidal and homicidal. They simply walked through the school shooting at anyone who met their sight. It might sound a lil odd- but i feel sorry to think of how two tender minds can grow up to be so distorted? So twisted in some pain that, they turned numb to others' ?!! How come parents and the doctors didnt take stock of the situation- they would have seen some sign ?
What has prompted me to write this entry , is the last statement in this documentary. Somthing to this effect -" This incident has prompted the strengthening of arms-control laws. The debate continues". THE DEBATE CONTINUES?!!! THERE IS A DEBATE?!! A DEBATE has two sides. somebody tell me, Whats the other side of this issue?! Dont tell me there are parents who think - 'How can my son go to school without a gun?!' This is absolutely absurd and outrageous! It definitely reflects on the lack of social responsibility by the a55h01e5 who have turned this into a debate. In my opinion- these people are the actual culprits and not the two boys - cos its this same attitude that has contributed to the scary metamorphosis of these boys into the monstors they will be remembered as .
India is begining to see its share of disturbing behaviours amoung youngsters. To remind you of some- the school boy who misused the camera in his mobile to capture pornographic images ... school and college students from financially stable backgrounds entering prostitution. Perhaps not attrocious as the massacre... but we need to see this as a sign of a changin season in our social(and moral) make up- tiny signs before the mighty storm. Today , India is a fast growing nation. It is bound to face the same problems that come with the upgrade , like many other nations have , before us. We have to observe, understand and learn from what we- as the human civilisation- have already experianced in other nations. There should be people who observe and study the changes in different stratas of the society, recognise relations and detect causes for similar distubances. See how they could have been avoided. Design methods that can help all of us grow as a part of a healthy society. We all have a responsibility towards each other. There were umpteen times and ways these boys could have been stopped- parents , teachers, students, police, doctors, etc. But they werent... fate had thought the other way around . Perhaps it was some kind of social alarm that went off , with the purpose of grabing our attention. In this particular case , a min-to-min reconstruction is possible because of the school security cameras.But , had you seen the documentary, you will have to agree that, what adds tremendously to our understanding of the deranged minds of the perpetrators are the home videos they themselves had left behind- that gives some closure to our disbelief in the possiblity that there could be people who think like this. Fueled by a passion to kill people- with or without reason. It would send a chill down your spine. The Indian society that is conservative by nature seems to be growing tolerant to a lot of changes that might facilitate and influence the development of dysfunctional citizens. Its time for all of us- Indian or not- to pay attention to the social changes around us and play our part to help guide our lifes to a better , healthier fullfillment , and on the whole, the societies . We make the society- dont we?
(Please forgive the profanity.)
General Information 1
A look into their psych
General info 2

Monday, February 14, 2005

The wind was on anti-depressants for a week

So finally I made it to the Aero show 2005. It was for the first time in almost a decade of living here that I had been to an aero show in Bangalore - the fifth time it was held. It has occured to me that I had been gravely underestimating my ability to enjoy such an event. Like many other girls ,I am not all that fond of cars ,bikes ,planes... but the ecosystem had to keep its balance, so I am blessed with a brother who is just a lil more than obsessed about them. It is not to say that this show has changed me inside-out... but it defintely has refined my taste for planes, for good. The astounding display,view and of course the planes,spoke a common language of hypnotizing amazement and pride definitely to any person , no matter the lang he spoke or his nationality,educated or not.It didn't matter whether they could understand the brilliant commentry in English.If they couldn't afford a ticket , they climbed up walls, stood at the gate, stood over the police van and simply enjoyed it. It felt good to be a member of the human race , who have achieved the amazing feat called flight.

I have now become air-craft-educated, if I may say so... from someone who had been familiar with the names and pictures of these air-crafts (thanks to having to put up with some wallpapers- courtesy my brother) ,to someone who can 'feel for machines' to some extent... is definitlely some good improvement. It was thrilling enough to be on the ground and staring into the blue sky. I wondered how many times more exillerating it should be , to be so high up in the sky, zooming away with no roads, no traffic lights, no traffic jams , (esp) no one-ways,just mother nature's mood and fate's mischiefs standing in your way. Whizzing away so fast in the sky that it would have given the wind a severe bout of depression. Its lovely sight to see the sunlight bounce-off the cock-pit glasses. It was an earth rocking aero show- thanks to the thundering and roaring mig29, jaguar, sukhoi 13 and the sea-harrier . Seeing the sea-harrier's maneuverability on the TV is one thing.... experiencing it live was definitely another. The part of the show that would lock your attention into place was definitly the aerobatics put up by the SuryaKirans- a team of 13 amazing pilots 'ballerinaing' thru the sky in their Kirans( the planes) making amazing formations boasting of precision, focus and guts. Not to mention , the simple demonstration of how copters(lancer,chethan) are crucial in a team insertion and extraction. We have to bow down to the dedication and grit of all these men and women who safe-guard our land ,water and sky . They put up such a fantastic show.

Buddhism, a religion that preaches calmness, tranquility and stability - ironic it may sound- happens to be the mother of several forms of martial arts. They were not designed to be a channel to vent out anger but its simply for the honourable cause of self-defense. Choosing not to defend your self at hard times is to sin. I actually admire that ideology. Even if we speak of 'NO war', don't we all know deep inside that, a world without wars is almost impossible- simply because of the fact that we are humans,and not Gods or saints . Greed, sadism will breath in us till the end of our existance. So with that realisation comes the need to protect your self . I am proud of our army and military , under whose protection we all sleep so peacefully , mostly oblivious of their existance and their sacrifices. This show made me immensly proud of our defence guys , who stand guard to the noble cause of 'self-defence'.

For those of you who missed it this was TOO GOOD. Its held every alternate yr. Visit it the next time to enjoy a grounded flight-seeing.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


Last year I had been to my cousin's place . We spent some good times with our nieces- two pretty lil girls aged 5 and 7. I exceptionally enjoyed this particular visit because of a box the girls had . Their Granny- ie my aunt had gifted them a big box - a kit to learn some magic tricks which included a instructions book. Magic is fascinating for anyone of any age. I had checked out a lot of other magic kits but not one thats as clear & simple in its instructions as this one. The inquisitive child in me & my brother awoke & we sprang into action. We check out some of the tricks - they were simple, entertaining and absolutly captivating. I thought if we could have had such fun pulling off some smart tricks,then so could you people out there. I am sure there are times when work gets boring and you can't find ways to pep up, so here is a good timepass ... some tricks you could pull out on your collegues to start with. But theres two things : 1)remember to practice them in your cubicle a couple of times till you can pull off with some panache 2)a magician never lets his/her secrets out...
Here is you go! (Try out the Rubber band and the thread trick- its something you could try out right now)

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


Please note : Read 'So it happens today...' first. Then 'The Scheme of Life'. I occured to me a lil late that it works like a stack... Thanks :)

The Scheme of Life

Sometimes life seems all too well planned to go wrong. And sometimes it feels like you have fallen into a scheme built against you - built so well, that it seems almost impossible to get out (remember: only seems). And then there are these other times that seem too out of the ordinary- no matter what emotion forms its bedrock - joy, sorrow, anything- that the event refuses to be go down your memory into the 'ordinary events' folder . They blare out of your memory collection with a lot of unanswered questions tagged to it. No matter how many times you look back at it... there will always be whiff of enigma and a dash of intrigue attached to it- till you get , if not all, some of the answers . An encounter almost supernatural in taste- just almost. And thats how it felt meeting Farook again. Farook was my batchmate in my final year of school but from a different section. We had our own group of friends in our own sections- hers 3, mine 4, but everyday we'd all have lunch together. Reshma Farook posessed an open & congenial nature with no facade - with an almost child-like innocence, blessed with a natural gift of an easy access to everybody's funny bone. She just somehow knew how to get anyone to laugh with a great sense of timing. We weren't real close or anything, we just simply enjoyed eachother's company. Almost never called eachother up, & never had visited eachothers homes in our schooldays. And with school comming to an end , soon we were in our pre-university colleges(PUC), running in our own hamster wheels - the two groups lost touch. I never met Reshma again. Some where in the final year of my PUC(ie 2nd year) ,Reshma called me up over the phone. She was having problems at home. Reshma was the youngest child to a fairly progressive parents and belonged to a highly respectable family who were liberal about girls not having to wear a head scarf and who gave women the freedom to run businesses . We were around 17 back then and Reshma's Granddaddy(who took charge of the major decisions in the family) was planning to get her married. Just as it would have been for any girl- including me, Reshma was unprepared for a marriage and scared. She needed to share her fears with someone at that time & somehow, astonishingly she chose me. It did surprise me a great deal 'cos i never thought of my self as being the natural choice despite the fact that the other two in her group were out of reach. But all my life i was used to people comin & tellin me their woes, and this instance was no exception - i listened , i comforted as much as i could. She was scared but very strong- never cried. This went about for a month till my exams came up , got busy and once again we lost touch. I took for granted that she either got her way or she eventually gave into her Granddaddy's wish. This was three years after we had become friends. Another 3 years went by- I am doing my third year in Engg , i never ever remebered her. And perhaps she didn't too. One day as I & my brother were going some where, our car broke down. We made calls to the garage guys and decided to wait till help arrived. We were stuck in a residential area and it was a hr or two past lunch time. As we waited in the luxury of our lifeless car ,doing nothing , we, naturally, stared aimlessly . One such subject of our observation was two young girls who were getting into the house , right opposite to where our broken car lay. For the first time in years i remembered Farook. The reason being - one of the girls sporting a scarf over her head looked very much like Farook but a lot younger. I kept looking at the girl with adoration as nostalgia swept in and took me to my school days . Once the girls got past the gate to the house , it looked like they had an argument. The Farook-look-alike wanted to go out & the the other girl kept pulling her back in. And i was still looking at them. The scientist in my brother took over & he drew up a theory that the shoving match could have had something to do with my staring ,"She looks like Farook alright, but nowadays a girl looking at a girl can freak a girl out, so I'd suggest you stop staring." So I simply did. Just another one of those incidents where you find a familiar face that doesnt match with a recognition in you memory. Soon I forgot it. 2 weeks later i get a call , which to my surprise,i instantly recognised to be Reshma Farook. I had faithfully forgotten the Reshma-look-alike incident. We spoke . Did a lot of catching up. We were 20 year olds then. She hadn't married. She became the first woman in her whole family to finish her PUC. She was on chemotherapy ,fighting ovarian cancer. She faced a surgery and now was almost done with her treatment. I was surprised that she still had my phone number with her -for all these years. She said ,"You wont believe it girl, i haven't got them written any where but i know them". And read out my second phone number from her 'memory' with ease. I thought she was kidding. And then the revealing moment , "You know why I remembered you after so long? I happened to see someone just like you a few weeks ago." Just the perfect time to tell her that I too had a similar encounter- but just as I had said- I simply had forgotten the incident. Then she said the magic words that triggered a pointer to the memory allocated to the incident..."I saw this girl just in front of my cousin's house ". That rang the bell. But i needed to be sure, so i waited for her to finish the rest of the details...Red car, a guy sitting in the back seat, girl with curly locks.... Holy cow, that was me! We shared our findings & had a good laugh. We for the first time in 6 yrs had got to see eachother & didnt realise it. Six years! school girls grew into women. Apart from the maturity that comes with the metamorphosis, she was still the good-ol' Farook- high in spirits & strong as ever. I was going thru my share of difficult times back then- my Mom had to gone into a surgery to remove an infected salivary gland. But along with it came a lot of depression, fear, hoplesness. My Mom who was otherwise a strong woman, was turning weak & scared. And sometimes nothing you say or do helps. Surprising enough, we discovered that they both had their surgeries in the same week in the same hospital just a skip & a hop a way from each other. My Mom and Reshma bonded. Their illnesses were perhaps far from similar, but they shared if not the same but similar changes to what was once their normal lives. It bought hope & courage into my Mom's life. Farook would talk on the phone to my Mom. They would help each other channelise their energy into recovering.We decided to meet up, and what could be a better venue than 'the house'- the house just next to the one we had seen eachother was her home. I spent a day with her. She wore the scarf to cover her hair loss & eagerly observed its growing-back. She enthusiastically told me of her plans of starting a boutique after recovering. She had no trace of cancer in her- she had completely cured. We all felt relieved & grateful to some great power. I got busy with my semester exams & she left to Hydrabad to spend time with her elder sister & family. She'd be gone for two months- but could come back sooner. I called a couple of times to her place- but she hadn't been back. I got busy with my projects & about a month later called her home. Her sister was back from Hydrabad and she picked the phone, and i as usual asked for Reshma, to which she replied with a tinge of astonishment ,"Reshma died."
I have written somuch to explain all that happened till now, to actually express this moment. But thats what precisely this write-up will find difficult to achieve.
Was it shock? Was it pain? Was it anger? I think i just went numb with a whirlpool of fellings inside me. The shear inability to come in terms with reality left my throat aching to cry. And I did. I cried & cried & Farook's sis, tried her best to console me. Then the feeling of betrayal in me spoke, "But she said that she was completely cured?!!". To which her sister said,"We knew of her stage a long time ago. We wanted to shelter her from the truth. We hoped she would live her life to the fullest till time & health would allow.The cancer had spread all over. She was in a lot of pain whe she died." She told me,"We had informed all her friends from the numbers in her directory. Looks like it didnt have yours in it." She told me to pray for her & to pay a visit home.And the conversation ended. I wasnt in the condition to pray. She had plans for the life that lay ahead of her - plans that would out live her life! She was just as old as me, Damn it! It felt unfair. It took me a couple of days till the numbness wore off. Then my mind got into reconstructing her last few days . I wondered if she wanted to meet me. Guilt poured in. Then i remembered her sister telling me that my name wasnt in the directory...& then i remembered Reshma saying,"...I just know them !...". She wasnt joking! she really remembered my number for six years and needed a directory to remember the other 6's (friends from school)!!! The others were informed . One attended the funeral.
She had my number in her memory for six years. Why? Did some invisible intervention put us in places where we had to meet at the time we had to meet, when we had something to offer to each other? Or was it an incident that demonstrated 'What goes around come around'/'Pay it forward'(I consoled her , she consoled my mom)? Sometimes somethings are better left unexplained.It seems more beautiful that way. A death for any one , of any age is an overwhelming incident- more than anything else it makes you look harder at life than death. I saw something through my meeting Farook again. Something i learn & understand better as the years go by- its not once in a while you will find someone like Farook with a message for you... its every single day- day in ,day out, every single moment. Sometimes we manage to read it, sometimes we fail. Sometimes we understand it, sometimes it just leaves us with a question mark. May be there is something for you here or you might have something for me in your comments. This is perhaps the longest i have written in a very long time(since school, to be more precise) & definitly the most gratifying. The reason to why i chose to write on Farook is that , i see a Farook in each of you- my friend or not, we meet or not,we know eachother or not, everytime you pay a visit , in a wierd way you are making a contribution in my life by just taking a part of it with you. So here goes- I dedicate my first entry to Farook in other words to all of you out there. Welcome to 1forevery1!

So it happens Today...

So I am finally starting my blog. Its taken it a long time(since June 2004) to come out now. This space will offer anything from my crazy write ups, jokes, quotes, pics, links ... anything that suites my capricious whims. Or atleast its been so from a few months. A big thanks goes out to all those who have nudged me into writing or startin this blog - Anu, Vivek, Snail & Sachi. And now before any of my mentors regret mentoring me, let me keep you informed, the first entry is very typical of me- people who know me can tell- its really long. But i am hoping you'd take out sometime to read it.And that you will put in your comments- critical , appreciative, empathising... anything- feel free!
Why am i doing it all of a sudden?- and that too at 2:30 am 4/1/05... like there was never a yesterday or there isn't a tomorrow? Ans: Complusive Disorder- I am trying to bring some Order into my life thru the DISorder. Hell-bent! Wouldn't you agree?