God - the pacifier

God is a pacifier. A pacifier that was handed down to me through my parents. In fact, every family has a pacifier of their own.

Some of us get hooked to it and suck at all times. And since its always stuck in the mouth, we just cant see it completely, plus, the part that’s visible seems larger than it actually is because it so close to our eyes.

Some of us wear it around our necks, never knowing when we might need it. and use it when we need some pacification. Once its served its purpose, it goes back to where it belongs- dangling around our necks.

Some of us see no need for pacification because the need for it seems somewhat shameful – a thing of the past, a lie we have been taught to rely on when the real comfort should be found within us. We throw away that pacifier and look down upon it and perhaps look down upon those who might still rely on it.

Some of us find our pacifier not being good at its job. So we throw away the old one and set out to find another one- another model or perhaps, another brand. Keep searching for that which might finally pacify us.

My pacifier finds a special place in my drawer. It shares space with all those lil momentos that mark some importance in my life. It lies there,as a reminder of the times it helped me become a better person, as a reminder of the time I felt, 'I dont need it'. I have not lost my appreciation for what it has done for me. Today I am able to appreciate the whole pacifier business - different brands, different models, their features and the promises of what their product can do. Now, it will lie there till its my turn to give it to my kids. I will sit back and watch they would do with theirs.

Essay writing

Who thought I would ever get to do another essay composition after my school days. My pre- University days were the last time I had language classes. I was more than just happy when I heard my office was conducting communication classes for everyone. Today, after all these years I got to write one. We were told to use the following 10 words how many ever times we wanted, in which ever order we wanted in our composition : 1) Laptop 2)Nano 3)Dolphin 4)Hotel 5)Pirate 6)Turtle 7)Prince 8) Mountain 9)Clouds 10) Oranges
Here is what I wrote:

"
I love cloudy days, like this one. I had been working on the book all night- staring into my laptop, tapping away. I had never experianced an urge so strong like the one last night, so powerful, that I finished what I had set out to do. I thought, my system would crave for a nap at dawn, but, I surprise myself- I dont feel tired. I guess the contentment is keeping me awake.
My grumbling stomach demands some much deserved attention. I reach out for the bag of oranges on the table, behind me. As though to break the monotonous morning silence, the bag rips launching the oranges to the wooden floor- thud.thud...thud. There were only 3 left from my orange-dinner yesterday.I bend under my table to see if it wakes Prince. It does- he peeps out opening his eyes slowly. Prince, my pet turtle, wasted no time in getting back to doing what he loves best, resting on his royal bed made up of cabbage leaves in a two-day old pizza box.
I pick the oranges and make my way to the balcony. I sit there, on the floor with the salty air rushing to me, feeling like I own the place. I conveniently forget that I need to pay the Nano Park Hotel tomorrow for this luxury. I hope I had enough to buy this place!! How else could I feel? Looking at this rolling sea, fishing trollers bobbing up and down on the blue sea and dolphins dancing in the distance. Turn a lil to the left and majestic mountains stand tall, towering over the clouds. I am lost in all this beauty. Suddenly mind shifts to the thought of dark,cold and mysterious pirates. I picture my publisher, with an eye-patch and a pirate hat, having a hook for a hand and a peg for a leg. Gaawd! that reminds me I need get back to finishing that book.
"

It felt so good to be doing it after so long. May be you should try it too ... just for the kick!

Sketchbook Inaugerated

I bought a sketch book day before yesterday. Some 6-7 months ago my orthodontist had given me a set of Faber Castel pencils. He had bought it, in the hope that he would find some time between his practice to sketch. But he couldnt. Then he happened to see the sketch I had put up on this blog a long time ago (remember?). Little did he know that I too dont make the time to pursue my interests. The time it took me to use these pencils proves how proactive i am. But ok, let me not complain too much- atleast i got my self to use that sketch book and the pencils. I felt it didnt turn out as i had wanted it to- was finding it difficult to add texture to the skin and clothe, but with my Mom, brother and friends expressing shock at the pic and asking me 'You did THAT?!', i am assuming that it is good. So, I will give my self one pat. This encourages me to do more. And do more i will do...
I would like to thank all those people who have helped me by either praising or telling me ways how how to better this pic. Special thanks to my orthodontist for gifting me that pencil set, apart from taking care of my teeth and i hope he will stop by a stationary shop, buy another set of pencils and a sketch book and ask his daughter to pose for him or try drawing his pet fishes!
By the way, there is nothing deep about the sketch. My sketchbook was resting on my lap and I needed an object which I shouldnt have trouble observing- so the lap that served as support for my sketch, became my subject. That is my own foot - so you want a photograph to confirm it? ;P

Rid

I got there.
I had it with me
Eversince I can remember.
It was never mine.
I came hoping to rid of it
Not knowing how
Dont know where it is
But I do know its there
A look into the reflection
Desperate for a clue
Where do I start diggin in me?
But the water is running
Desperation welcomes defeat
Eyes cloud
I am humbled
Two trickles add to the ripple
I learn
It is me
The water is running
I succumb
I am free
I am gone



Wrote this just now. 10:47pm, 4th Aug 07

Not much has happened

Its been real long since i had been here. The whole place is covered with dust. I can assure you that you havent missed out much. There hasnt been nothing to write about. Yes there had been those occassional pangs to write but ...
I bought my first car:

A Wagon R Vxi. Its doing good so far.
There is one coincidence i'd like to mention here... The first toy-peddel car I drove around was Red. The first car I learned to drive was a red maruthi 800. And incidentally the first car i have bought is red too - only by chance. I was told that this was the car that was readily available in the yard and if i needed any other colour i would have to wait max a month. So i settled for what was available. Otherwise i would have loved to buy some other colour. But, there you go, i have yet another red car. I hope to take it out for a long drive. I have had some plans, lets see how much of it will materialise.
I have some wacko wishes thats been on my mind since some time, thought i will pen them down :
wish i could assist the camera man/woman of show. I think it is one of the most aesthetically done car shows i have ever seen.
wish to design homes
wish to get an SLR
wish to learn kick boxing
wish to get back to learning barathnatyam, or may be some other form of dance
wish to learn drums
wish to make and fly a kite (Join me if you will - provided you are in bangalore too, leave me a comment)
wish to learn a few magic tricks
wish to write a book
wish to make a movie
Just felt like putting this down for no reason. May be i am trying to make these visible. Perhaps, its not doin any good lying in my head.
So tell me how have you been?

So, Bend lady! Bend !

This is a very interesting experiance I had on the 14th Mar 07, 10:30 pm. This was a marriage alliance that my family had come across, I was asked to chat with this guy online, for the first time. Lets call him Mr.S.
Mr.S is a 30 yr Malayalee guy brought up mostly in 'amchi' Mumbai (Personally i have a high regard for Mumbaiwalle. On a childhood trip to Bombay I found most of them to be people with no hang-ups, mind-my-own business kinds, yet surprisingly sensitive people- they jump at a chance to help anyone. Or atleast thats strictly my opinion. This guy was close to changing that opinion). I was dog-tired that day, plus ,I had a tough day at work.
The whole chat lasted an hr to hr and a half.
Here is a part of the chat log. I have removed the initial introductory part and some casual information exchange about eachother. Here is the rest, hope you enjoy it:

Mr.S: as a wife Iam looking out for a loving softhearted..not so ambitious..not so modern but qualified girl
ME: ok
ME: go on
ME: ...
Mr.S: aur kuch bacha hai kya..yes understanding baki sab as usual..and she has be enthusiastic and she has to be very talktive a s well
ME: explain on ambitious
Mr.S: wat r u thinking that u let me know
ME: i am not sure... since you are explaining your picture of your spouse... you will be in a better position to explain
Mr.S: I wud...u tell me what u want
ME: well i am looking for someone whos more of a friend
Mr.S: hold on
ME: someone who has a similar value system to that of mine
Mr.S: for now...just let me ur opinion abt the ambitious part u had raised
ME: oh ok
ME: not so ambitious=you mind her working?
Mr.S: she shud work ...I want her to work
Mr.S: anything else u have in mind?
Mr.S: abt the ambitious part I mean
ME: ok... i will tell you what i think of ambition for me- i would want to work. but thats gonna be diff when i and my spouse decide to start a family of our own. so then i guess for sometime... work has to take a back seat.
ME: or i have to look into alternate careers from home
ME: but that again can happen only if you have a spouse who co-operates
ME: thats what it is for me... you could explain what you want now.
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I want a spouse who should work...but she not b very ambitious...mening she shud set the expectation right with her boss..that she wont be in the office beyongd th stipulated time
Mr.S: family shud her prioryt and then her career
ME: yeah. but when you have a delivery date ... i guess those days are gonna be hectic
Mr.S: yup
Mr.S: those are an exception..some days maaf hai ;)
Mr.S: some
ME: ok
ME: and what your view of 'modern'?
Mr.S: again why dont u tell me wat u think abt ti
ME: no i think its easier when you just put it straight yaar!
Mr.S: ladies first :)
ME: noooo please...
ME: my brains has been working real hard all day... dont make me play KBC
ME: there isnt any money for this question toooo!
Mr.S: what do u mean..mera brain kaa nahi kiay din baaar :)
Mr.S: so why dont u answer it first then lady ;)
ME: nope... you are the 'poochna' end
ME: its easier
Mr.S: poochna end matlab
ME: and more over... i am guessing- guessing takes effort
ME: you are asking me to run my brains... it doesnt require brain power to express what you believe in or want... it comes from the heart
ME: so yoru job is easier at this moment
Mr.S: Iam waiting waiting waiting...no issues...keep guessing guessing ;)
ME: oh dude! spare me! i have had a tough day at office!
ME: please be easy on me.
Mr.S: u do sound pretty mod
ME: mod=modern?
Mr.S: yup
ME: why? :D
ME: :))
Mr.S: u addressing me as dude and all re isliye ;)
ME: dude... is a word many people use... dont think its a sign of modernity
Mr.S: aisa kuch..but normally I have seen..nahi chod
Mr.S: galthi
Mr.S: maff kar
ME: i am surprised... dont you use it?
ME: chal teek hai... maaf kia
Mr.S: Iam mod na..so I can use na :))
ME: :) smart
Mr.S: :)
ME: so Mr. Mod ... tho bathaye ... aap ke hisab se 'modern' ka kya mathlab hai?
Mr.S: oh ok..coming bac to the mod topic..ur chance to elaborate on that
ME: man ... SRK shouls meet you
ME: i havent seen his show.. i hear he is real good . i am sure he will leave his seat if he meets you
ME: you sure are persistant!
Mr.S: so like u like pulling guys
ME: pulling guys? whats that?
Mr.S: hmm sometimes I just love to be persistent
Mr.S: pulling leg yar
Mr.S: tang keechna
ME: ooh pulling leg... when my tubelight flickers and when i get the chance
Mr.S: so does that tubelight of ur flicker all the time ;)
Mr.S: urs flickers
ME: at the end of the day its burnt out... but looks like its not as bad as i thought... it is able to pull a few legs atlease
Mr.S: good one ;)
ME: thank you ... *bowing* thank you
Mr.S: :)
Mr.S: vaise I dont like to bow most of the times ;)
ME: Mr.S, i need to wake up early and make break fast... so give me the ans.
Mr.S: mere dost subah muje bhi utana hai
Mr.S: so u know how to cook is it :)
ME: have some mercy on me
ME: well survival skill- i enjoy experimentations mostly
Mr.S: okie
Mr.S: ok mod maane....
Mr.S: wat do u think
ME: oh no!
ME: i thought you were gonna ans
ME: you got me fooled there
Mr.S: ek baar bow kiya
Mr.S: not again
ME: ok... i have run out of stamina
Mr.S: good girl
ME: i am yawning big enough for an elephant to walk into my mouth
ME: whats so good about running out of stamina?
Mr.S: becuase ur abt to bow..isliye..that's the best part of it
ME: ohhh sonny... you made a mistake there... i said i am running out of stamina... not that i gave up
ME: there is a clear distinction btwn the both :D
Mr.S: ok lady...if that' what u want
Mr.S: then u in for a big fight
Mr.S: but remeber..I wont like it if I lose
Mr.S: so make sure that I dont lose
Mr.S: ;)
ME: well ... i fight for my self and for the right :)
Mr.S: u fight...I dont mind
ME: like evey movie... ritiousness will win
ME: ok
Mr.S: but u shud lose is all what Iam saying...ami jyada nahi magatha
Mr.S: I have a very big inflated ego of mine...
ME: sorry. i see i am on the right. :) so its not a question of losing... its a question of being resonable
Mr.S: so give the answer of the question then ;))
Mr.S: tuh matlab haar nahi maanegi na
ME: nope... like i said... i am being reasonable asking you to elaborate on your own point
Mr.S: when I say I want u to aswer..then I wud like it to be that way
ME: describe your nature... for a change.
Mr.S: changing the topic wont help
ME: nope
ME: i am trying to understand you better
ME: we will come back to the topic
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: its like iam in a HR meeting ;)
Mr.S: ok
Mr.S: I have a bit of dominating nature
ME: and...
Mr.S: and aur kya jaana hai
ME: talk about your self
Mr.S: aks me point to popint
ME: what you think about your self?
ME: what are the qualities you admire in a person?
Mr.S: It depends on the gender as well
Mr.S: In a girl..I wud like hr to be mild,soft,understanding
Mr.S: Ian amale...brains...way they lead..etc
Mr.S: do I sound like a mcp
ME: how do u pick friends... what do you look for when you chose or appreciate people?
Mr.S: that have to be as qualified or working in some place..basically they shud be my equal firstly...baki sab usual..we shud get along well basically
ME: so thats irrespective of gender rt?
Mr.S: gender no..for a girl she has to be lovely beautiful ;)
Mr.S: yes right
ME: do you get angry?
Mr.S: sometimes yes...
ME: what a question... every one does
ME: that was a wrong question... how do you deal with it ?
Mr.S: depends on the situation
Mr.S: if Iam right...I might try to reason out..and if nothing helps..I might just sulk all alone
Mr.S: but I come out of it quickly
Mr.S: I cannot be angry for along time..I try to mend it mostly irespetive whther iam right or wrong
Mr.S: lady..u asleep
ME: nope
ME: i am terribly sleepy
ME: but we will continue
Mr.S: ok
ME: so just as i promised.. lets get back to the 'mod issue'
Mr.S: and just as I wanted u start
ME: its a one last try before i hit the bed
ME: sorry sir. i obliged the first time with the 'ambition' bit. But now its ur turn to oblige
ME: i honoured you, you honour me
ME: simple
Mr.S: I give u the oppurtunity again madam
ME: 'Can i use a life line? can i use phone a friend?'
Mr.S: as I toild u ek din bow kiya bahut hua..not again
Mr.S: u use whatever u want...but my answer wud remain the same
ME: ok then. i think i will hit the bed and hope to wake up early. you go ahead a get e good sleep
Mr.S: all right
Mr.S: that's a bad sign
Mr.S: both of us not bowing
ME: you made that sign yourself.
Mr.S: well I just to check if u wud bow
ME: at least its standing tall for different reasons
ME: not when i have been nice to comply once
Mr.S: yes but..I wud prefer my lady to be mild...so even if u bend that does not mean u lost...but u kept my honour ;)
ME: thats when necessary. ;)
Mr.S: lady u still the chance to kep my honour
ME: mild doesnt mean give in for every lil thing. :) it means to understnd a crucial situation and soften when necessary :)
Mr.S: this is called emotional blackmailing
Mr.S: pehel impression sahi hona chahiye..so bend lady
ME: dost, your honuor isnt mine as yet... its a long way to that... it takes a lot of understanding and a lot of mutual respect. its a two way road
Mr.S: well ur right
Mr.S: I never meant when i said u shud honour me
ME: what is that ... there is that saying in mall... oru palam aayal... angotum, ingotum vennam (if there is a bridge, there has to be movement in both directions)
Mr.S: yes fisr ingotuum ( first this way)
Mr.S: then aagonattum ( then that way)
Mr.S: manalsaliya lady ( understood lady?)
ME: thats ok. i assume you said it for fun
Mr.S: nope
Mr.S: Iam serrious ;)
ME: angotu nyan cross chedu ( i had crossed over)- remember 'ambition'. not its your turn
ME: well Mr.S. i really have to go. you can chose to explain if you will , anytime
ME: well till then you may chose to mail me or let me know when you would like to chat again
ME: till then
ME: bon soir!
Mr.S: bye bye lady ME

Soon our chat came to an end. It gave me a head ache. I lie down in bed tossing and turning in anger and shock. I hoped i could have been honest with my feelings and given him a piece of my mind then and there. Though some of you out there wouldnt understand my lack of reaction, there are a few who know exactly why i didnt give him a power-dose. I wondered why would someone be like this on their first chat with someone?! Did he really believe that someone would find him impressive if he was to flash his views like this? A woman would like a man who says that he is the dominating kinds, he doesnt like to lose, so you'll have to bend for him?!!! One of my close friends felt deeply for my situation and expressed that i should have given him a reading so that he wouldnt do this to another woman.
I didnt think of another woman but me at that moment. I wanted to give him a treatment for the sake of myself and no one else. But when i think of another woman, i think he shouldnt be stopped. Why should i stop him? The only comfort in this story was that he was honest- he was being him self and wasnt faking. I would want him to remain this way if he truely believed in what he said. It would only help another woman make a decision if he remained true to him self. To me it seemed like something was wrong over here. And if it is something wrong , then i would rather want it lying out in the sun, than finding it hidden in a closet.

I hide

I hide
  now and then,
behind my face
infront of you.

I hide
  here and there,
behind open doors
in a stiffled mind

I hide
  quietly,
behind all the loudness
in effervescence

I hide
  cos
I know
  I have no where else to go.
There is no where else to hide
  But in here.


- 11:32 am 4th Mar 07


I just scibbled this out today morning in a paper, just a couple of min ago. I am not a poet by any standard, but there are these rare impulses i get to write something- which comes like- once in a couple of years.
The good thing here is that i have written this almost a year after i wrote that english-urdu poem. May be its a good sign.
The origninal name was 'My hideout'.
I have to thank all those people who have been paying me visits over here... Ann, Jes, Doc, Kim, Kondur, Vampy, Michelle, Siri... I have not been online for a long time now. And it been real long since i have done any blog hpping at all. The first i have visited in months was , Kondur's , and that too two days ago, just cos he left the country and wanted to know how he was doing.
I am gonna change that. I will find more time for what i love. I will come home.